Still basking in the glow of a riveting, albeit ugly, game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals. For a Laker fan it was 80% pure torture to get to the last 20% of ecstasy, while Celtic fan had it quite the opposite but now they have to scratch their heads and think “what if” while their team is probably dismantled. But who knows? Maybe they let Ray Allen go and bring in Joe Johnson to replace him and we can all enjoy a rubber match next year. As for me, I watched the game with my wife and kids, which helped me keep everything in perspective through the first three quarters of action. And by “keep everything in perspective”, I mean that I didn’t dislodge my flatscreen off the family room wall and throw it onto Sepulveda Boulevard in a rage of alcohol soaked blood and vulgarities. Ultimately the Lakers righted the ship, prevailed for their 16th championship, and Kobe Bryant won his 2nd Finals MVP, despite one of the more deceptive stat lines imaginable- 23/15/2 on a ridiculous 24 shots.

In LA, the Lakers are a religion. Without a pro football team, this team dominates the local sports landscape. We all love the Dodgers too, and they have a proud and strong fan base that guarantees great annual attendance, but only a deep playoff run would distract the city from Laker passion for a couple weeks in the Fall. After a Laker title, there’s about a 24 hour period where everyone rejoices in the previous season’s accomplishments, and then we move on to questions about the next season and a countdown to training camp.

I am an armchair sports blogger in this situation, here to make bold predictions that have no backing (in other words, I’m talking out of my a$$), but that’s what we read blogs for, right? To that end, here are your top 6 Laker predictions for next season:

6. Ron Artest will finally make every Laker fan forget Trevor Ariza, if he hasn’t already. This has to be the most fun storyline of the 2010 NBA Finals- LeRon gets a ring. There are always a couple guys on each championship squad where you smack your head and say “I can’t believe (fill in knucklehead player here) has a ring and (fill in chosen icon to never win the big one i.e. Barkley, Ewing et all) never did.” This year it was Artest. The dude plugged his music career and thanked his shrink a mere moment after winning the championship, what’s more Hollywood than that!?! He may be a lunatic, but he’s our lunatic, Laker fans, and look for him to have an even stronger impact on the team next season. It might take him 115 games to finally understand the triangle offense but he’ll get there, and take some of the scoring load off of Kobe & Pau in the process.

5. Jordan Farmar will move on to another team where he can play more minutes and have a bigger impact. I have been a fan of Jordan’s since pre-UCLA days, hearing about him as he starred at neighboring Taft High School. It has always been a great story of a homegrown kid playing for two legendary basketball havens, the Bruins and the Lakers. But Jordan has never seemed completely comfortable with the Lakers and has been the only person to not benefit from Derek Fisher’s presence on the squad. Farmar always seemed 1 step forward, 1 step back- for every great play an ill-advised pass or blown defensive assignment appeared to be waiting in the wings. Jordan should take his two rings to a team where he can play more minutes and have a stronger impact.

4. Derek Fisher will stay a Laker. Continuing the Farmar analysis, I’m sure Jordan thought he would be the heir apparent to the point guard position for the Lakers, but unfortunately for him, he has played behind a guy who has not missed a start in 6 seasons, despite completing his 13th year as a pro. Fisher getting hurt is as rare as a Clipper playoff appearance, and his ability to find a 5th gear during the playoffs makes him invaluable to this team. Look for him to take less cheddar to retire in the Purple & Gold.

3. Phil Jackson will stick around for one more year. Reading the tea leaves on Phil’s future via his media soundbytes will not yield definitive results. It felt like the chances of him returning were slim prior to Game 7, but despite how close to the vest Phil holds his emotions, you can tell how competing for titles (and ultimately winning them) is an addiction for him. When ESPN’s Hannah Storm asked Phil last night if his only options are retirement or coaching the Lakers, he replied “I have not entertained that as of yet, and I haven’t heard anything specific as of yet. I can’t answer that question directly.” By not shutting down any chance that he wouldn’t coach another team, Phil appears to be keeping his negotiating chips open. If he said “I’m either coaching the Lakers or hunting geese in Montana” (or whatever he does up there), he would have less leverage with Dr Buss negotiations. If I was Dr Buss (and clearly I’m not since I’m writing a friggin blog for free instead of chilaxing in a hot tub with a trio of silicon enhanced bimbos), I would keep Phil as the highest paid coach (Larry Brown makes $7MM, give Phil $7.1), and give him a $1MM for every round of the playoffs he advances. Phil doesn’t have to take too much of a salary hit, earns his bonuses which the team grosses several times over for every title he brings to the city. Done and done.

2. The Lakers will Three-peat (registered trademark, P. Riley), beating the LeBron James-led Chicago Bulls in 6 games. I find the whole free agent Summer extravaganza exhausting, more hype than hope, and can’t really exhaust any energy about it. I’ll roll the dice and predict LeBron goes to the Bulls, what the heck. See you next June.

1. The Lakers will make one significant offseason move, acquiring a former player you may remember- Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal. If you notice, Shaq has been quietly buttering up Kobe and the Lakers recently, calling KB24 the best Laker ever and even speculating how Kobe’s ass tastes on Twitter. Kobe gloated about now having more rings than Shaq last night, which was a hilarious form of unfiltered candor that we rarely see at postgame pressers. Bottom line, Shaq clearly wants to end his career in a Laker uni, so there is no animosity when his number is retired in the Staples Center rafters. He undoubtedly feels he still has some game in him, and if his health can hold up whenever Andrew Bynum’s can’t, he has value to this team. Would he take a minimal salary to return? Dude’s got like a gabillion dollars, why not?! He will always have one ring fewer than Kobe, and there is no question who’s team this is now. My crystal ball sees the great offseason basketball summit not being LeBron, Wade, Bosh and all the other free agents discussing their destinations next year, but Shaq and Kobe sitting down with Mitch (with Phil Skype-ing from Montana) to discuss how re-signing Shaq makes more sense than one would expect.

I don’t use Twitter, mainly because it takes me way more characters than the allotted 140 to offend someone. With that being said, I like to lurk in the shadows as a seedy celebrity voyeur, and check out every instance when a celebrity tweets her teets.  Take Diora Baird for instance…I’ve heard that in cyberspace dating etiquette, seeing more than half of a woman’s breasts means that you’re going steady.

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There’s nothing like South By Southwest. Music bleeding from every wall, forming the ultimate live mixed tape of every musical style that will try, and probably fail, to live up to any sort of commercial expectation. Food- BBQ ribs, pork, brisket, sausage- forming the ultimate gastro mixed tape of authentic American tastes that will try, and probably fail, to keep you out of a shoddy port-o-poddy out back at Stubb’s. Booze- Shiner, Lone Star, Dixie, and whatever other alcoholic combo floats your proverbial boat that will form the ultimate fuel to take in said music and BBQ while trying, and probably failing, to avoid the inevitable hangover, barf session, exhaustion collapse. Throw in the elements of St Patrick’s Day, and the first weekend of the NCAA basketball tournament, and you’ve got a full plate of ingredients that will alternately challenge and enhance one’s enjoyment of all of the action.

Mad props to the organizers of SXSW for developing their website throughout the years to accommodate new technology. I have assembled my ideal schedule on their website, which you can then publish and share with your friends. Add a dash of Twitter and a pinch of Foursquare, and the technology of these social networking methods is actually making the festival more enjoyable as opposed to just creating noise. I freely admit that in putting together this schedule, I am operating in a vacuum, not accounting for three huge factors- the fact that inebriation is not only a possibility but key to survival, geography (I’m not pulling up google maps to see how far Jaime’s is from Beauty Bar), and the NCAAs, where a good upset in the making can derail just about any jaunt across town to see your favorite buzz band. All things being equal, here’s my plan:

Wednesday, March 17

St Patrick’s Day. In Austin. During SXSW. Whoa. Let’s start young and work our way up. My evening begins at Submerged with Kitten, a new band headed by 15 year old rock songstress Chloe Chaidez. I saw her first band when she was about 12 (!) at a middle school in Pasadena as a favor and was amazed even then that this girl’s potential. The talent was raw, to be sure, but then again so was the school’s PA system. If you listen to the tracks on the band’s myspace you can hear that she’s come a long way already. Not sure where the story will end up but the journey is damn intriguing. The ultimate new school to old school transition will then take me to Stubb’s for Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings. Sharon stole an early slot at Bonnaroo a couple years ago, and the combo of hearing some great soul music at my favorite Austin venue is too good to pass up. 90% chance I will be balancing a plate of ribs with a smaller plate of pecan pie on top of a can of Shiner Bock during this performance. From there a few shows interest me- Born Ruffians at The Phoenix, Fanfarlo at the Galaxy Room- but who am I kidding? I’m staying at Stubb’s to see the new Broken Bells collab. Danger Mouse is a dude that just intrigues me. From The Grey Album, you just knew this guy was on to something.

From there, I picture myself stumbling over to Emo’s for another collaboration, Distant Relatives. This one features Nas and Damian Marley. From that point in the evening on, all bets are off- I could equally picture myself eating pizza on 6th Street, going to see Flying Lotus at The Phoenix, or passing out in a puddle of my own dirt and drool. There is no point in utilizing a schedule after midnight.

Thursday, March 18

The first day of the NCAAs. I feel like I’m going to skip any daytime showcases and parties and become a shut-in at my hotel room watching games. Maybe a bar with a decent TV will be my destination. At some point I need to head over to the convention hall for Flatstock (trust me, it’s worth it). By 9:30 I should be ready to return to the band weasel world, and I’ll start with a double-dose of talented black ladies whose names begin with two consonants- Nigerian Nneka at the Day Stage Cafe at 9:30, then to Latitude 30 at 10:30 for VV Brown. From there it’s back to the scene of last night’s crimes at Stubb’s for Band Of Horses, one of those bands I’ve admired for a while but never seen live. Man Man at something called the Billboard Bungalow or Dr Dog at the Austin Convention Center is a distinct possibility, but more likely is one of two must-see bands playing at the festival- The xx at the Mohawk Patio. Their album has been in constant rotation for me recently, but I’ll be curious to see if they can translate the vibe to the live stage.

Friday, March 19

At this point in the week, keeping a schedule has become less of a priority, replaced by mere survival. It’s hard to keep the energy up to scamper all over town to see random baby bands, and in truth the best bet is to park your ass at a particular venue with a strong line up and stay there throughout the night. Stubb’s or La Zona Rosa are always safe bets. If a shot of adrenaline runs through me, I envision seeing some combination of the following shows: Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears at 8PM, Austin Music Hall; the second must-see band in Austin, Local Natives at 9PM, Galaxy Room; She & Him (their music does little for me, but ohhh, Zooey…) 10PM @ Lustre Pearl; Deer Tick, 11PM @ Red Eyed Fly; The Cool Kids , 11:30PM @ Mohawk Patio; Rye Rye, 12AM @ Beauty Bar. Or the opportunity to see a band called Gay Witch Abortion at the Soho Lounge may prove to be irresistible. This could be my only chance.

Saturday, March 20

To be completely honest, looking at Saturday’s schedule, there’s not much there that will keep me in town. By Saturday I usually get that feeling you have when you’re leaving Las Vegas, the gut-punch reality that you just lost all your money over a weekend you barely remember. The dread isn’t as severe after a long weekend in Austin, but your body is officially offended by all of the intoxicants and fatty meats you have been filling it with. So while my eyes are seeing Matt Pond PA, Major Lazer, No Age etc, my brain is fantasizing about a home cooked meal, a glass of ice water, and my own bed at this point.

Rock on.

I think it’s safe to say that everyone is familiar with the infamous twitter account @shitmydadsays, which Justin Halpern set up to highlight some of the better remarks his father spouts out.  But we’ve obtained some of the deleted Tweets that take on a much more mundane and depressing tone.

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Everyone thought about it, but no one put it as elegantly as @Danny_Devito. His stunning way with words could probably charm any Amazonian woman out of her oversized britches.

Like it or not Twitter is here to stay, and more often times than not it keeps us up to date with what is going on in the world.  The real beauty is that it doesn’t matter what world you’re immersed in.  Whether you’re following @pornstarpeppermintpatty to track how many guys she can take in her mouth, or following @glennbeck to track how many guys he can take in his mouth, this list is for you.

Tweet: We just made history. All of this happened because you gave your time, talent and passion. All of this happened because of you. Thanks*

From: @BarackObama

Why it’s Important: Barack Obama (@BarackObama), Nobel Prize winner and President of the United States of America, announces his winning election to the world on Twitter, fully embracing the open web as a means to connect with the world.

(Note: While this actual tweet was made on November 4th 2008, there is no question regarding the impact of @BarackObama’s twitter account in 2009.

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There are 370 passwords that Twitter has deemed either “too dumb” or “too bizarre” for their security protocol.  There’s always the guy who thinks he’s being cute by making his password: “password.”  I tend to make my passwords modeled after STD medications because they’re hard to spell, and people tend not to want to add that into their search history for spell check purposes.

1. 111111
2. 11111111
3. 112233
4. 121212
5. 123123
6. 123456
7. 1234567
8. 12345678
9. 131313
10. 232323

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You figured that the pressures of bringing presents to all those little bastards would push him to the breaking point. It’s really a shame that St. Nick has resorted to the bottle.

William Shatner is undoubtedly cooler than a polar bear’s toenail. Word on the street is that he can make a woman climax by just reading the ingredients from a pack of Top Ramen.

Jonathan Parker, a PA resident, decided to rob a house outside of Martinsburg in Berkeley County, WV. Alright, sounds pretty good to me. But then this jackass decided to check his Facebook during the robbery, forgetting to logout after he made off with two diamond rings.

*Editors Note: I couldn’t find a reliable source to back this claim up, but we’ve never been into fact checking around here unless it has to do with the durability of pasties, or if Asian women really do have sideways vaginas.

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