Codommania has released their findings for their penis size survey across America.  They’ve come to the conclusion that men in New Orleans, and the entire state of New Hampshire are packing Ron Jeremy-esque trouser barnacles.   I wonder what kind of person is put in charge of the penis census?  Are they required to inform the local law enforcement when they find a pocket monster that still has a hood on it?  Are you required to shake the person’s hand after they go corduroy diving?  These are the thoughts that come to mind.  To the results!

Here are some highlights from Condomania’s penis database:

• Top Ranking State by Average Penis Size: New Hampshire
• Lowest Ranking State by Average Penis Size: Wyoming
• Top Ranking U.S. City by Average Penis Size: New Orleans
• Second Highest Ranking City (just behind N.O.): Washington, D.C.
• Lowest Ranking City by Average Penis Size: Dallas/Ft. Worth
• Blue States vs Red States: Blue States’ Average Penis Size is Bigger!
• Penises Come in a Wide Range of Sizes: The Smallest Penises are Less Than 3″ in Length and the Largest Penises are Longer Than 10″ in Length
• Penis Sizes Chart Almost a Perfect Bell Curve: 25% of the Male Population is Under 5″ in Length, 50% are Between 5″ and 6″ in Length and 25% are Longer than 6″ in Length

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I admit it, that title sounds like something a creepy little league coach would tell his team after the lure of a pizza party didn’t get them to bite.  Rather, new research indicates that the more touchy feely a team is, the more successful they are on the court.

In a paper due out this year in the journal Emotion, Michael W. Kraus and his co-authors, Cassy Huang and Dr. Keltner, report that with a few exceptions, good teams tended to be touchier than bad ones. The most touch-bonded teams were the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers, currently two of the league’s top teams; at the bottom were the mediocre Sacramento Kings and Charlotte Bobcats.

The same was true, more or less, for players. The touchiest player was Kevin Garnett, the Celtics’ star big man, followed by star forwards Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors and Carlos Boozer of the Utah Jazz. “Within 600 milliseconds of shooting a free throw, Garnett has reached out and touched four guys,” Dr. Keltner said.

To correct for the possibility that the better teams touch more often simply because they are winning, the researchers rated performance based not on points or victories but on a sophisticated measure of how efficiently players and teams managed the ball — their ratio of assists to giveaways, for example. And even after the high expectations surrounding the more talented teams were taken into account, the correlation persisted. Players who made contact with teammates most consistently and longest tended to rate highest on measures of performance, and the teams with those players seemed to get the most out of their talent.

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British newspapers are infinitely better then their American rag counterparts.  Case in point, a story from The Sun today with the headline, “Brits are boob obsessed” and the attached photo.

In the biggest survey of its kind, cosmetic surgery giants Transform interviewed 3,000 women and 1,000 men about breasts.  New research shows that nine in ten women check out their rivals’ assets several times a day.  And four in ten women admit to “breast envy” among their friends and work colleagues.  Meanwhile, half of all men (48 percent) confess to looking at a woman’s chest before her face, thus making the other 52 percent complete liars.

After a poll of 5,000 British folks, Americans have been deemed “the most attractive” nation.   A spokeswoman for www.OnePoll.com, which carried out the study, said: “America has got a lot on offer and boasts some of the sexiest people on the planet.  The likes of Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt all help America’s image as a hot bed of good looking people.

It’s a good thing the Brits think all Americans look like movie stars.  One trip to Wal-Mart and I think they’d be singing a whole different tune.  It’s like visiting a spandex memorial.  Hit the jump for the full rankings.

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An Italian sex researcher, Piero Lorenzoni, claims he can tell a woman’s personality from the size and shape of her breasts.  And like any good jug scientist, he classified the different shapes and sizes using fruits as a reference point.  Take Christina Hendricks for example.  Her breasts are the poster children for watermelon yabbos.  With that being said, Lorenzoni states, “she likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired. But seldom likes sex.”

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A study of  nearly 8,000 kids by scientists at Imperial College in London have determined that ambidextrous children are twice as likely to develop learning disabilities and have trouble with language.  Naturally, I always assumed that left handed people were never to be trusted and spawns of Satan.  They’re kinda like people with two first names, or a guy who parks backwards at a truck stop.  Now I can finally understand why I always ended up in the remedial classes back in middle school.  I was an equal opportunity masturbator.  Kind of like the idea of left brain/right brain.  Right hand for speed and efficiency.  Left hand for creativity and variation.

There is a general consensus amongst the scientific community that there are six basic human emotions: joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust.  Now comes word from The New Statesman that there are five new contenders to join the fraternity: elevation, interest, gratitude, pride, and confusion.  In 20 years chances are these could be the newest additions:

ROTFHSWMSR (Rolling on the floor having sex with my sex robot)

LOLHOHAMDADAA (Laugh out loud he only has a masters degree and drives an Audi)

WTFWKT? (What the fuck was Kanye Thinking?)

STFUPP (Shut the fuck up President Palin)

OMGKGAKGATSP (Oh my God Kate Gosselin and Kathy Griffin are the same person)

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The intriguing smile of the Mona Lisa was the result of very high levels of cholesterol, according to a medical expert who has studied famous figures in Renaissance art. The facial expression - one of the main reasons why the 16th century painting is among the most famous works of art in the world - shows signs of a build up of fatty acids around the eyes of the subject , according to Vito Franco of the University of Palermo.

The Italian scientist says the model in the oil painting had a xanthelasma – a subcutaneous accumulation of cholesterol – in the hollow of her left eye and a fatty tissue tumour. It suggests very high levels of cholesterol in the model, thought to be Lisa del Giocondo, a member of a Florence family who married a cloth and silk merchant.

I wonder if Vito Franco has the keen eye and expertise to tell me why Sammy Sosa looks like Vincent van Gogh’s “Scream.”

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Howard Jacobson wrote an interesting piece in the Independent that basically surmises that if a guy is out on the town chasing skirts, he’s less likely to be in his studio apartment looking for ways to strap explosives to his genitalia.

Here’s hoping they’re getting as much of that as they can handle, too. It’s not a 100 per cent proof, but, in the main, intercourse is a great solvent of ideology. Whatever you think of the pure in mind, beware, reader, the pure in body.

To blow up a building or to blow a load, that is the question.

A study by British scientists has found that the mysterious G-spot, the sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others, may not exist at all.  The scientists at King’s College London who carried out the study claim there is no evidence for the existence of the G-spot after trying to “finger” the culprit on 1,800 British women.

“Women may argue that having a G-spot is due to diet or exercise, but in fact it is virtually impossible to find real traits,” said Tim Spector, professor of genetic epidemiology, who co-authored the research. “This is by far the biggest study ever carried out and it shows fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.”

I always thought the G-Spot was like a nightclub everyone said they’ve been to, but in reality they just got drunk and threw up in the alley before they found the joint.  And you know how men feel about asking for directions when they drive.