With Lawrence Taylor’s latest arrest for allegedly raping a 16-year old girl, and Ben Roethlisberger’s tumultuous offseason, the NFL definitely needs a makeover.  This is not the place nor the forum to polish up the old NFL shield.  Sports Pickle put together a who’s who that they’ve deemed “The NFL All-Crimes Team.”  This is that list.

OFFENSE

QB - Ben Roethlisberger (sexual assault)

Sure, there have been good quarterbacks who have actually been charged and convicted of crimes (sit down Art Schlichter, I said “good”… you too Mike Vick, I said “quarterback”) but Roethlisberger has the rare distinction of being the only two-time Super Bowl winner who’s also been accused of sexual assault twice. So he’ll be the placeholder on the team until all the stuff about Tom Brady comes out. And trust us, it’s disgusting. That guy is one deviant freak.

RB - O.J. Simpson (double murder; burglary)

Seriously, if you don’t know why OJ Simpson is on this team, well … just watch Jay Leno’s next monologue. He’ll probably have a good zinger in there about O.J., Michael Jackson and Bill Clinton.

RB - Jamal Lewis (drug dealing)

Like OJ Simpson, Jamal Lewis once ran for 2,000 yards in a season. And like OJ Simpson, Jamal Lewis has spent time in jail — for his 2005 conviction for intent to distribute cocaine. He was also forced to spend time with the Cleveland Browns, though that wasn’t a direct punishment for his crimes.

TE - Mark Chmura (sexual assault)

In 2000, Chmura tried to film the porn version of “Hot Tub Time Machine” at his babysitter’s house. Except only the girls got younger.

WR - Donte’ Stallworth (manslaughter)

In 2009, Stallworth was drunk behind the wheel of his Bentley and ran over a 59-year-old man, killing him. For this, Stallworth was immediately sentenced to 24 years months days in jail. He now plays for the Baltimore Ravens, who are basically the farm system for this team.

WR - Rae Carruth (murder)

Carruth is currently serving a prison sentence of at least 18 years and 11 months. That’s the easy part. Then he has to face Roger Goodell.

OT - Nick Kaczur (drug possession)

Kaczur was nailed in a DEA sting for illegal possession of painkillers and became part of a federal investigation. Also, he’s Canadian. We should have seen it coming.

OG - Nate Newton (drug “possession”)

In 2001, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana. Five weeks later, he was caught with 175 pounds of marijuana. What authorities didn’t know is that Nate Newton was actually a 5-foot-2, 125-pound man who stuffed all that marijuana inside his uniform so he could be an NFL offensive lineman.

OG - Todd Burger (internet gambling)

Nearly 10 years after his playing career — during which he played for the Bears and Jets — Burger was arrested for his role as a debt collector for an illegal gambling ring. He was also charged with being a horrible cliché, a washed-up offensive lineman working as an enforcer for the mob.

OT - Cornell Green (domestic violence)

Cornell Green won a Super Bowl ring in 2002 with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but rather than using that as a weapon, he resorted to hitting the mother of his two children with a mop handle. In Green’s defense, maybe he had just watched “The Toxic Avenger”.

C -  Barret Robbins (attempted murder)

Barret Robbins first hit the national radar in 2002 when, days before the Super Bowl, he went missing and ended up in the hospital due to bipolar disorder and depression. That was actually the most normal part of Robbins’ off-field career, which has seen him charged with attempted murder in 2005 — in an incident in which HE was shot 3 times — and a trip to jail for repeated substance abuse violations.

DEFENSE

Besides wanting to see how you perform on the field and in the sack, NFL GM’s also wanna see your logic and problem solving skills. This comes in the form of the Wonderlic test. Tim Tebow recently scored 22 out of 50 on the test, placing him slightly below average.

According to the Post, the average Wonderlic score for an NFL quarterback is 24. The newspaper also reported that the quarterback prospects in Mel Kiper Jr.’s latest rankings on ESPN.com — Sam Bradford of Oklahoma (36), Colt McCoy of Texas (25) and Jimmy Clausen of Notre Dame (23) — scored higher than Tebow.

To put those scores in perspective, the Post compared Wonderlic numbers of run-of-the-mill NFL quarterbacks such as Alex Smith (40) and Matt Leinart (35) to those of Pro Football Hall of Famers Dan Marino and Jim Kelly (both 15) and an established star such as Donovan McNabb (14) of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Get your number two pencils ready, it’s time to play Are You Smarter than an Evangelical Quarterback!  Answers after the jump.  No talking.  Keep your eyes on your own paper.

1. Look at the row of numbers below. What number should come next?
   
2. Assume the first 2 statements are true. Is the final one:
   The boy plays for the Tigers. All the players on the Tigers wear white sneakers. The boy wears white sneakers.
3. Paper sells for 21 cents per pad. What will 5 pads cost?
4. How many of the six pairs of items listed below are exact duplicates?
   
5. PRESENT, RESENT - Do these words
   
6. A train travels 20 feet in 1/5 seconds At this exact speed, how many feet will it travel in three seconds?
7. When rope is selling at $.10 a foot, how many feet can you buy for sixty cents?
8. The eighth month of the year is:
   
9. Which number in the following group of numbers represents the smallest amount?
   
10. In printing an article of 48,000 words, a printer decides to use two sizes of type. Using the larger type, a printed page contains 1,800 words. Using smaller type, a page contains 2,400 words. The article is allotted 21 full pages in a magazine. How many pages must be in smaller type?
11. Three individuals form a partnernship and agree to divide all profits equally. X invests $9,000, Y invests $7,000 and Z invests $4,000. If the profits are $4,800, how much less does X receive than if the profits were divided in proportion to the amount invested?
12. Assume the first 2 statements are true. Is the final one:
    Ben greeted Beth. Beth greeted Bob. Ben did not greet Bob.
13. A boy is 16 years old and his sister is twice as old. When the boy is 22 years old, what will be the age of his sister?
14. One of the numbered figures in the following drawing is most different from the others. What number is that figure?
    
15. The hours of daylight and darkness in SEPTEMBER are nearest equal to the hours of daylight and darkness in:
    
16. What number is next in the following sequence:
    
17. Which of the following numbers is least like the others?
    
18. Which letter is missing from the group below?
    
19. In a typical city in the Southern Hemisphere, which of the following months sees the most snowfall?
    
20. FLAMMABLE, INFLAMMABLE - Do these words
    

Continue..

You may have noticed, the Stupor Bowl went down yesterday. I heard it suggested that they move the game to Saturday, allowing America a day to recover before trudging back to work. My brain, liver and intestines would like to publicly endorse this idea. Wings n’ beer are not just for breakfast anymore, but that doesn’t mean you won’t regret overconsuming them the next day. I now realize the error of my ways yesterday and hope to make smarter, safer decisions in the future. Here are some other thoughts I had throughout the day.

- For me, the main theme going in to the game was that it defined you as a sports fan. Are you one who tends to root for the underdog? Then the Saints are your team. Do you prefer to see perfection, watch legends-in-the making, and get caught up in the hyperbole of sports history? Then you should root for Peyton Manning and the Colts.
- It’s always a dangerous practice for one player to be contemplated as the best ever going in to the championship game. We went through this in 2008 when the favored Lakers took on the Celtics and going into the series, every blowhard sports pontificator went on and on about whether Kobe Bryant was better than Michael Freaking Jordan. Is he at the table!? In the conversation?!! Who would YOU want with the ball and the game on the line!!?? Needless to say, the Lakers lost in 6. The funny thing is the athlete in question does nothing to fan these flames except be great. It’s not like Peyton Manning showed up at media day with a F%&@ UNITAS t-shirt on. Yet the pre-game coverage was 30% on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, 20% on Saints legend Archie Manning rooting for the Colts, and 50% on the greatness of Peyton Manning and the level at which he was performing. From now on, if your team’s best player is constantly being considered the best ever going into the big game, you should be very, very nervous.
- If you want me to purchase your product, you are best served having a humorous animal in your overpriced Super Bowl ad. Give me violin virtuoso beavers over Danica Patrick any day of the week.
- Speaking of which, hey Go Daddy- if I want to watch porn on the internet, I’ll watch porn on the internet. I’m not gonna go to your lame ass website to watch girls in tank tops. Trying to send dudes to the internet to watch your pretty-yet-clothed vixens is like sending a drug enthusiast to Amsterdam for a light beer.

Continue..

One of the greatest things about the Super Bowl, besides being allowed to drink beers in the shower, and throwing the chicken wing bones into the neighbors yard, are the Prop Bets. Some of the better ones from this year are:

Whether or not Carrie Underwood will finish singing the Nation Anthem in under 1:42. Based on her past performances, this is quite the toss up.

Bodog:
Over 1m 42s: +130
Under 1m 42s: -160

What color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning team?  This is a tough one.  Prior to last year, Water was on a three year winning streak.

Lime Green: +600
Yellow: -125
Orange: +550
Red: +1250
Blue: +1250
Clear/Water: +160

Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first?  The clear favorite here is God, followed by his Family, Teammates and Coach.  But this one is tricky as well, as Santonio Holmes and Eli Manning didn’t thank anyone in years past.

God: -105
Family: +650
Teammates: +115
Coach: +1000
Does not thank anyone: +450

Will David Caruso show up on the broadcast and will Jim Nantz call him a fire crotch?  This is a straight pick ‘em.

Will Peyton Manning’s first audible be a Cobra, Bandit, Pirate, Slippery Pete, Double Double w/ cheese or Liger?

SEE MORE BETS

AND EVEN MORE

What can’t you sell on the internet these days?  You’ve got broads selling their virginity so they can go to college and aren’t forced to work in the computer lab. Now you’ve got blokes selling their left testicle for tickets to this years Super Bowl in Miami. Testicles I should add that have produced two servicemen, who are keeping my ass from getting drafted.

But please note: no perverts!!!!!  That’s five exclamation points.  That means he’s sold a kidney on craigslist before, but the buyer insisted that they watch bondage pornography before they harvested his organ.

With word coming out that Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has retired, it looks like Matt Leinert is gonna have to get the bubbles percolating in the Hot Tub Time Machine.  Initially, Warner was brought in to be Leinert’s backup, but five Pro Bowl selections later, Leinert has barely had a taste of the playing field.  Now everyone expects him to step into the starting spot and lead that passing attack?  Not unless he’s got said time machine.  I think Leinert is better suited to teach Tim Tebow that babies don’t come from the stork, and that Fleshlights are against the collective bargaining agreement.

Uh, so that happened…if you checked out my NFL preview for last weekend, you noticed that I bet the house on the Chargers to go all the way several weeks ago. Whoops. How could a NY Jets team who, according to its head coach, was already eliminated from playoff contention beat the so-called “hottest team in football” at home!? As they say, THAT’S WHY WE PLAY THE GAME! The Chargers swapped out their laminated playbook card for a ouija board to summon the spirit of LT and forgot that they have one of the top 5 studs at quarterback. Their Pro Bowl field goal kicker apparently had a tee time at Aviara on Monday, the Jets coach Rex Ryan made a sweater vest look dead sexy, and ultimately the Jets sent my children to community college. Watching the game, I had the same feeling as when I ate a hot dog wrapped in bacon outside Staples Center. I became violently ill, with vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence. I haven’t seen anything that bad since the Anita Bryant concert.

All we learned from this game, is that no one knows SH*T. The farther one travels, the less one knows. Down is the new up. I retain my title as The Cooler, and will not be wagering whatsoever.

Before we get started, a mini-rant. All week I’ve listened to sports talk radio debate what is the most/least desirable Super Bowl matchup based on this final four. They seem to always base this on the storylines they are going to have to prattle on about for two weeks between games. Sports radio wonks, please wake up- it is NOT about the storylines leading up to the game, the important thing is the competition on the field. I don’t give a rat’s ass about whether the game reunites Brett Favre’s last two teams. I don’t care if it sends New Orleans’ son Peyton Manning to take on the post Katrina Saints. It doesn’t matter if Rex Ryan will be able to use the bye week to relax on South Beach in Borat’s thong. Actually, that would be pretty awesome. All NFL fans want is an exciting ending to the game, where the final two minutes are more interesting than the Go Daddy commercials. Give me drama better than the 10PM slot on NBC and I’m happy. For that reason, I’m pulling for the best two teams in the NFL to meet in Miami- the New Orleans and Indianapolis Colts.

Game #1
NY Jets at Indianapolis
Sunday 1/24 3:00PM ET
Line: Colts – 8.0

Why To Watch: This is a great storyline- in Week 16 the Colts gave up trying for a perfect undefeated season and lost to the Jets, letting NY back door themselves into the playoffs. Now the Colts are out to prove that resting their starters the last two weeks of the season was irrelevant and all that matters is winning the Super Bowl. The Jets killing the Colts’ supposed destiny would be more ironic than anything Alanis Morissette ever sang about.

Not going for 19-0: isn't it moronic?

Interesting Subplot: The big bullet point in the NFL these days is how the passing game has surpassed a running attack. Nowhere will this theory be proven or challenged more than at the Luke this weekend.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: The Jets are playing with house money. The Colts are playing with Peyton Manning. Cooler says take the Colts. I plan to be walking the dog during the second half of this game, not a cloud in the sky for the first time in 7 days, while listening to the musical stylings of the new Spoon album.

Game #2
Minnesota at New Orleans
Sunday 1/24 6:40PM ET
Line: Saints – 4.0

Why To Watch: This could be Favre’s last game until he re-un-un-un-retires this Summer. Too obvious? How about Reggie Bush finally playing up to the hype last weekend- was that a mirage or did he finally figure it out? Will Prince appear in a luxury suite in the Superdome, schedule an impromptu halftime performance where he’ll play his guitar like a giant cock?

Prince really likes playing his guitar.

Interesting Subplot: Adrian Peterson’s mojo- please pick up the white courtesy phone. AP has been persona non grata recently. He could be the great equalizer to quiet a sure to be rocking New Orleans crowd all geeked up on beignets and hurricanes.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: This one is tough. The line has gone down from 4.5 to 4, a sign that most of the good fellas think Favre will keep this to at least a field goal. Cooler says take the Saints…so take the Vikings. No one knows shi*t.

Price said he “saw the future” after his Minnesota Vikings wiped the floor with the Dallas Cowboys last weekend, and was inspired to write a song. This song. I’ve gotta admit that this fight song has the ferocity and tenacity of a WNBA layup line. This “purple rain” feels a whole lot more like a golden shower.

he veil of the sky draws open / the roar of the chariots touch down / we r the ones who have now come again / and walk upon water like solid ground / as we approach the throne we won’t bow down / this time we won’t b denied / raise every voice and let it b known/ in the name of the purple and gold / we come in the name of the purple and gold / all of the odds r in r favor no prediction 2 bold / we r the truth if the truth can b told / long reign the purple and gold / the eyes say ready 4 battle / no need 4 sword in hand / we r all amped up like a rock n roll band / ready 2 celebrate every score / ready 2 fight the elegant war / ready 2 hear the crowd roar

The next two weekends are mecca to NFL fans. Last weekend was the tune up, the fight before the fight, the preamble to the impending constitution, if you will. And forget the Stupor Bowl- a great sports day to be sure, but ultimately a 5 hour license to stuff your pie hole with as much guacamole, wings and beer to make the rest of the world forget all of the US’ humanitarian aid to Haiti and hate us all over again. This weekend brings us a nice double header with the top seeded teams coming off their lazy ass bye weeks. Next weekend we get the NFC and AFC championships, two teams vying for the right to compete in between eight minute commercial breaks so we can have Pepsi, Go Daddy and Doritos titillate us into consuming their products. Without further adieu, here’s Our Kitchen Sink’s guide to the NFL playoffs this weekend.

Game #1
Arizona at New Orleans
Saturday 1/16 4:30PM ET
Line: Saints - 7.0

Why To Watch: It’s possible we’ll see the score total exceed 100 points. There will probably be about as much defense played in this game as an NBA All-Star game. Last weekend I watched the Zona/GB game at the gym. Zona was up by 3 TDs and I went to do a set of 50 push ups. When I came back to the TV the game was tied. Literally.

Interesting Subplot: How can two powerhouse offenses put up so many points without significant contribution from their running backs Reggie Bush and Beenie Wells. These dudes were probably receiving special benefits from “sports marketers” years before they were going to the NFL and now they’re essentially the least effective third down decoys in the NFL.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I like Arizona plus the points in this game. Arizona has that scary quality of being able to keep up with a team like New Orleans, and Kurt Warner had more TDs last weekend (5) than incompletions (4). The Saints might win, but they won’t beat the beignets off the Cards.

mmm...beignets.

Game #2
Baltimore at Indianapolis
Saturday 1/16 8:15PM ET
Line: Colts - 7.0

Why To Watch: Opportunity to see the Manning Face. All credit to ESPN’s Bill Simmons, the Manning Face is described as “a known facial expression displaying a mix of frustration and disgust. It is most often displayed by NFL quarterbacks Peyton Manning and his younger brother, Eli.” The Colts decided to clumsily rest their players and let the Jets and Bills beat them at the end of the regular season instead of going for an undefeated season and NFL immortality. If the team starts out rusty and Ray Rice runs over them like George Jefferson’s giving Weezy a back massage, that decision could be the most foolish since NBC’s late night succession plan. And thus, the first 2010 sighting of the Manning Face.

Interesting Subplot: This is why you gotta love the NFL- teams from the 20th and 33rd biggest markets in the country can play on prime time TV and people outside of those cities not only legitimately care about it, they can actually develop a rooting interest.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I think that Indy is dying for the right to lose to the Chargers next weekend. Don’t take that away from them. I feel like this will be a game where we won’t know who is going to win at the end of the third quarter, but by the end of the game Manning and Co. will have pulled ahead enough to cover the spread.

To Manning Face, or not Manning Face- that is the question.

Game #3
Dallas at Minnesota
Sunday 1/17 1:00PM ET
Line: Minnesota - 2.5 or 3, depending on where you look.

Why To Watch: This could be Brett Farve’s last game before he enters his annual season of retirement and un-retirement. We get to watch alternating shots of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips in a remarkably expressionless state- Jerry because he brought his home botox kit to the stadium, Wade because he downed an 18″ meatball sub at halftime and is in an extreme food coma.

Interesting Subplot: As the regular season wound down, the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson was as ineffective as the government’s economic stimulus plan. If he can’t get it going, look for Brett the gunslinger to fire ill-advised passes all over the field and sabotage his team’s season faster than American Idol will disintegrate after Simon leaves. Replace “Adrian Peterson” with “Dallas’ three back attack” and “Brett” with “Romo” and you have the exact same scenario for the ‘Boys.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I wouldn’t bet my kid’s tuition on this game, but have a hunch the Cowboys somehow prevail. I keep flashing to that shot of Jerry Jones and George W Bush celebrating last weekend’s win in Jer’s luxury box like the asshole buddies they obviously are. It plays in my head on a loop with the two girls/one cup video.

Two Goons/One Suite

Game #4
NY Jets at San Diego
Sunday 1/17 4:40PM ET
Line: Chargers - 7.5

Why To Watch: About six weeks ago, while enjoying a Kogi short rib burrito at the Encino Car Wash, my best friend from high school Ari suggested that the San Diego Chargers would win the Super Bowl this year. I believe this was when the Colts and the Saints were still undefeated, and prior to every pigskin pundit declaring the Bolts as the hottest team in football. The mixture of unique flavors from my lunch combined with the pungent scent of turtle wax put me in a heightened state of euphoria. The Charger pick made perfect sense- they had been riding about a 7 or 8 game winning streak at that point, they’re clearly Peyton’s kryptonite, and at that point the team was just under the radar enough to get Ari and I 9 to 1 odds on them to win the Super Bowl. Now that the playoffs are in full swing, the Chargers odds are around 14 to 5. So that’s why I’ll be watching. Now is as good a time as any to point out that my gambling prowess or lack thereof is akin to Bill Macy in “The Cooler”. In fact, when I go to Vegas, I AM the Cooler.

Interesting Subplot: The NFL uses and discards their players when they are past their prime like no other professional sports league. Running backs in particular suffer the use ‘em and forget ‘em strategy the worst. Yet it’s interesting that the Chargers, with the worst rushing attack of any team in the playoffs, still respect and honor a clearly past his prime Ladanian Tomlinson by giving him so many goal line touches to get him TDs. So that’s an interesting subplot. That and the likelihood that Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan could get into a verbal sparring match with the Chargers QB Phil Rivers, or he could give birth to a monster burrito, or both.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I don’t care if the Chargers cover, but my kids’ college education depends on them at least winning.

Chargers go all the way and the Kogi's on me!

By all accounts, Brett Favre is loathed everywhere outside of Green Bay, but he gets the “I respect the guy” because of the way he throws his body around like a 15-year-old kid.  Well apparently he used to drink like a 15-year-old girl as well.

I haven’t drank in 12 years — not a drop,” says Favre. He says he never liked the taste of alcohol, only its effect.  I haven’t drank in 12 years — not a drop,” says Favre. He says he never liked the taste of alcohol, only its effect.  “I thought I used to like Boone’s Farm,” he says with a laugh. “Three-dollar Strawberry Hill — perfect for throwing at signs when you were done.”

All of those years of Brett beating on my beloved Bears (whoa alliteration), and he was hopped on Boone’s Farm like a nervous girl looking to “just get it over with” on prom night.

(via) + (via)