Very exciting news in the world of sticking your pecker into a silicon mold that’s been fashioned with ball joint limbs and a bad wig: the Lady Gaga model is now open, and spread eagle for business.

“Meet the deep-throat drag queen who’ll suck the chrome off a disco ball faster than you can say Just Dance! This dirty lil’ diva wants to take a ride on your disco stick, has all the right moves and loves it when you poke-her face!”

Here’s the thing that I don’t quite understand about sex toys that are as extravagant as this one.  Guys can hide their porno mags underneath their mattresses.  Gals can hide Mr. Zippy in their bed side table.  Where the hell are you supposed to hide a life-sized fuck hole?  The closet?   Imagine the scenario where you have a nice young lady over and she’s attempting to retrieve a towel from the “linen closet,” only to find Lady Gag Gag hung from the wall like a Swiffer WetJet.  There’s no talking your way out of that one.

You may have noticed, the Stupor Bowl went down yesterday. I heard it suggested that they move the game to Saturday, allowing America a day to recover before trudging back to work. My brain, liver and intestines would like to publicly endorse this idea. Wings n’ beer are not just for breakfast anymore, but that doesn’t mean you won’t regret overconsuming them the next day. I now realize the error of my ways yesterday and hope to make smarter, safer decisions in the future. Here are some other thoughts I had throughout the day.

- For me, the main theme going in to the game was that it defined you as a sports fan. Are you one who tends to root for the underdog? Then the Saints are your team. Do you prefer to see perfection, watch legends-in-the making, and get caught up in the hyperbole of sports history? Then you should root for Peyton Manning and the Colts.
- It’s always a dangerous practice for one player to be contemplated as the best ever going in to the championship game. We went through this in 2008 when the favored Lakers took on the Celtics and going into the series, every blowhard sports pontificator went on and on about whether Kobe Bryant was better than Michael Freaking Jordan. Is he at the table!? In the conversation?!! Who would YOU want with the ball and the game on the line!!?? Needless to say, the Lakers lost in 6. The funny thing is the athlete in question does nothing to fan these flames except be great. It’s not like Peyton Manning showed up at media day with a F%&@ UNITAS t-shirt on. Yet the pre-game coverage was 30% on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, 20% on Saints legend Archie Manning rooting for the Colts, and 50% on the greatness of Peyton Manning and the level at which he was performing. From now on, if your team’s best player is constantly being considered the best ever going into the big game, you should be very, very nervous.
- If you want me to purchase your product, you are best served having a humorous animal in your overpriced Super Bowl ad. Give me violin virtuoso beavers over Danica Patrick any day of the week.
- Speaking of which, hey Go Daddy- if I want to watch porn on the internet, I’ll watch porn on the internet. I’m not gonna go to your lame ass website to watch girls in tank tops. Trying to send dudes to the internet to watch your pretty-yet-clothed vixens is like sending a drug enthusiast to Amsterdam for a light beer.

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Before I rip last night’s show to shreds, let’s give the Grammys some props. The awards are completely irrelevant (see #1 below), acceptance speeches are as interesting as a 2AM infomercial, but the show producers have figured out over the last few years that the appeal of the show as a TV program are the performances. The Oscars will always have the edge in terms of prestige and the relevance of the awards, but you tune in to the Grammys to hopefully see a performance that people will be talking about at the office the next morning. Somehow about 6 or 7 years ago the Grammys stole all of the pop culture cred back from the MTV awards, an amazing feat in itself.

That being said, the best thing about watching the Grammys is slamming every moment of the show that feels awkward, hokey or lame. Here are twelve thoughts that went through my head watching the show last night.

1. The first, last and best argument for the irrelevance of the Grammys- the fact that I have to list the following:
- Album of the Year is awarded to the performer and the production team of a full album.
- Record of the Year is awarded to the performer and the production team of a single song.
- Song of the Year is awarded to the writer(s)/composer(s) of a single song.
Every year we need to clarify the top awards, because no one knows which is which. Do you hear anyone watching the Oscars say “What is the difference between Best Picture and Best Actor?!”

2. Pity the poor soul who watched the 210 minutes of the show live, without the aid of Tivo. I got through it in about 40 minutes. As our attention spans deteriorate like John Edwards’ moral center, do you think one day the Grammys can be an hour long show consisting exclusively of performances and a Sportscenter-esque crawl at the bottom of the screen, telling us who won? How do we make this happen?

3. Could you imagine buying scalped tickets to the Grammys for like $1,000 apiece, getting all excited at the prospect of sitting 4th row center, and finally getting to your seats- only to be sitting behind Lady Gaga and her Fortress of Solitude headpiece!?

4. It pains me to say this, since she seems like such a sweet, young, unaffected girl, but Taylor Swift’s appeal is a total headscrather. Her songs are as annoying as her ginormous teeth, and her performance with Stevie Nicks was an offkey disaster, mother-daughter karaoke at Back To School night. If she had a slogan, it would be “music for people who don’t like music”.

5. Pink’s performance was perhaps the greatest performance in the history of television of a song that was completely unmemorable. It was like she was performing a rare b-side (if rare b-sides still existed), realized that the song had no hook whatsoever, and decided to disrobe into a nude bodysuit and audition for cirque du soliel to salvage her screen time. Give her credit- she could’ve easily been the odd girl out, lost amongst GaGa’s eccentricity, Taylor Swift’s fresh innocence, and Beyonce’s beauty. But she completely nailed it and put to rest any thoughts (mine included) questioning her existence on the pop culture landscape. BTW I’ll put the over/under of her coming out of the closet and announcing her gay marriage to Meredith Baxter at 4.5 years.

6. Speaking of which, Tre’ Cool should win Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians’ Man Of The Year. I like American Idiot, thought 21st Century Breakdown was underrated, and I enjoy going to a Broadway play now and then. But all three at the same time? Uh, no thanks.

7. The most awkward moment was Ke$ha and Justin Bieber presenting something completely unmemorable on stage together. It was like introducing your little brother to your meth dealer- let’s get this over with quickly.

8. Do you think that Jay Z and Beyonce are in a Tom Cruise-esque marriage arrangement? They don’t seem to have any sort of natural loving chemistry. Maxwell and Roberta Flack seemed more likely to get busy in the limo after the show. It may be a ridiculous allegation, but if you were married to Beyonce, tell me you wouldn’t tongue kiss her cleavage every time she won an award and the camera cut to the two of you. I didn’t see the HOVA even give her a warm handshake, nor did I hear her thank her “wonderful husband for all of his love and support” at any point. Hip hop conspiracy theorists, get to work.

9. Why did they choose to have the best comedy album as part of the live broadcast but none of the rap awards? Best Traditional Polka Album deemed too obscure for air time?

10. What do you think makes a 60 year old Lionel Richie look the exact same now as he did 25 years ago- plastic surgery or goat semen!? Tell me you wouldn’t smear animal spunk all over your face to look as good as he does. If that’s a facelift, I need to reassess my theories of gravity.

11. I went to high school with a dude named Zack Brown. He owes me $100. I will not listen to Zak Brown until that debt is paid.

12. For the last several years, I have remarked that these performances should be available for sale on itunes. Even when albums were still being sold, and there was a potential to “cannibalize sales”, it still seemed like a no brainer. They finally figured it out and are making the performance available on itunes this year. Proceeds to Haiti. Time is ticking, however- as of presstime they only had the Mary J/Andrea Bocelli track available.

I took two things from last nights Grammy festivities.

1. Stevie Nicks still sucks. Why the hell is she singing about high school crushes and being in the bleachers? You’re not the cheerleader anymore… you’re the lonely grandmother.

2. Lady Gaga DOESN’T have a penis.  Thanks to her choice of wardrobe, we can finally put that rumor to bed like a naughty stepchild.  I bet she relished those rumors.  She was walking around letting people think she had an extension chord and a power strip.  Jamie Lee Curtis is probably really happy to regain the crown as the most famous and alleged hermaphrodite walking the red carpet circuit.

I heard she wanted to pick up a copy of “Rejuvenating my Destroyed Vajayjay” but it’s only available electronically through Amazon’s Kindle.

I tried to blow up the picture with Photoshop to see if the forward was written by Lady Gaga, but alas, the technological advances couldn’t satiate my inquiries.

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I bet it’s a pretty big decision for a woman when she decides to go from brunette to blonde. There’s a lot of baggage that comes along with that “care free” blond attitude, not to mention you’ve gotta toss out all pairs of panties that don’t have witty phrases stitched on the front like, “kiss me, I’m shaved.”

I’m not a betting man, but I predict that this Stefani Germanotta chick goes on to sell millions of records, all the while parading around with bird cages on her head, and a trouser barnacle in her pants.

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Back from Halloween weekend. Lost a tooth to a determined Now N’ Later. Still, all is well, especially after seeing Christopher Walken perform Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” I heard that in the Buddhist faith you see Mr. Walken’s face right before you kick the bucket.

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So Halloween is upon us, and it’s probably my least favorite day of the year, aside from the 15th of every month when I have to pay alimony to that crackhead I wifed up in Las Vegas.  Undoubtedly the most popular Halloween costume this year for the fairer sex is going to be Lady Gaga.  I understand it may be cost effective, being that the only requisite is a blonde wig, some bubble wrap, and an enormous labia majora.  But still, it’s about as creative as these guys.  And when you find yourself as “the Ugliest Gaga,” I’ll be right there saying, “*I told you so.”

*Not really, as I think someone just spiked my Pixie Stick.

Here’s what Lady Gaga’s stylist had to say about what she requested be made for her VMA wardrobe.

She made it very clear that she wanted something that resembled a Slim Jim, and a used tampon.  Thus the look that she deemed, “beef curtains.”

With the internet being set ablaze with the rumor that Lady Lord Gaga has a wangdangdoodle, I thought I’d offer a few helpful tips to tell if your Jill actually has a Jack.

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