Let me be clear. The sentiment behind the remake of “We Are The World” to benefit makes perfect sense. No doubt the hearts of the organizers and artists involved are in the right place. Of course we all want to see the people of Haiti rebuild their lives, and they need our money and awareness. But from a music standpoint, I need to be honest, if un-PC: “We Are The World 25 For Haiti” is the most ungodly piece of musical dogshit since Kobe Bryant tried to launch a music career (I’m a huge Kobe fan but I couldn’t even get through the first 90 seconds of his song. The record label refused to release it, and that’s really saying something).
I can’t fault the artists, really- if doing what you do for a living can benefit a nation as devastated as Haiti, by all means you should sign up. However, the whole musical experience of the new “We Are The World” is so off-putting that it serves to challenge the altruism of anyone watching it from the moment it starts. First of all, by kicking it off with Justin Bieber, a teen pop artist whose only musical talent proven thusfar is a nice head of hair, you are basically saying to anyone who remembers the original “We Are The World” that their interest in this musical exercise is unnecessary. Later seeing/hearing Tony Bennett and Barbra Streisand contributing verses comes off as an effort to counter the Bieber factor. Uh, one minor problem- there is about 68 years between Bennett and Bieber. So to those of us who grew up watching anything between the Brady Bunch and Seinfeld, are we aced out of the equation!? We WERE “We Are The World”, and we have the faux Michael Jackson glitter gloves and Members Only jackets in the back of our closets to prove it!
When we get to the chorus we see that they decided to leave the original Michael Jackson recording in. Can’t replace MJ, I get it. Again though, if you remember the original WATW, you probably get the sinking feeling watching Jackson that the musical landscape has gone in the shitter since. It’s like watching the NBA All Star Game dunk contest over the weekend having just watched video of the classic Jordan/Dominique duels back in ‘87 & ‘88. Thanks for reminding me that the past is better than the present…
After Michael Jackson, and Streisand and Bennett, our eardrums are assaulted with an artillery round of bad performances from a variety of artists. Enrique, ouch. Wyclef, love what you’re doing for your homeland, but the shrill singing sounds like a bad American Idol audition. Adam Levine, just stop. If you survived all of this without clicking off the video, you are treated to a few seconds of Jamie Foxx impersonating Ray Charles. I was unaware that in addition to the teen demo, the hip-hop demo and the geezer demo, we were also trying to round up the impersonator aficionado demo. I didn’t see Rich Little in the choir. Jamie, your music cred is already pretty iffy, let’s not remind everyone that your strongest artistic achievement was your Oscar winning performance of Charles. Just be Jamie, Jamie.
And just when you think it couldn’t get any worse- AUTOTUNE! Are you fucking kidding me with the Autotune? Until Kanye figured out how to make Autotune an interesting studio technique on 808s & Heartbreaks, it was used to help tune bad singers who couldn’t stay in tune. Now it’s used as a vehicle to allow rappers who can’t sing expand their musical palate. It’s an irritating fad that Jay Z tried to proclaim dead last year but, like a bad case of the clap, won’t go away. If you can’t sing, perhaps you should stand in the back row of the chorus and lipsync like I’m sure Dan Aykroyd did in the original.
An interesting side note about Jay Z here. H.O.V.A. and I appear to be on the same page. He recently stated that he had no interest in remaking the original and suggested a new song be written. I’m with you Jay- I got 99 problems, and the We Are The World remake is one of them. But I digress.
OK it can’t get any worse after the Autotune segment, right? Well how about a bunch of mainstream rappers taking the entire song hostage for about a minute?! If you watch the original, it’s interesting that there is no hip-hop element to the song. Rap was starting to bubble but had yet to reach a mainstream (i.e. middle class/white) audience yet. In fact I would argue that the moment hip-hop went from fad to legit musical movement came between 1985’s WATW and 1986’s Run-DMC/Aerosmith collaboration “Walk This Way”. Music has never been the same since, but by including a cheesy rap bridge in the middle of the new song, you cheapen the influence hip-hop has had on mainstream music for some 25 years. Rap music can convey a lot of emotions, but it doesn’t do earnest very well. This is not a racial thing- check out the Beastie Boys trying (unsuccessfully) to rap about 9/11 and George W Bush on 2004’s To The 5 Boroughs.
I admit, I’m a first class cynic when it comes to tripe like this. Be part of the solution, you may say. Well here’s a proposal that reflects the modern musical landscape and doesn’t feel like a desperate attempt to duplicate an idea that was not particularly effective the first time around. The most satisfying efforts musicians have made to contribute to the crisis in Haiti thusfar have been various methods of charging their fans for music with proceeds going to charities focused on rebuilding the city. The big “Hope For Haiti Now” concert telethon posted all of the performances on itunes with the proceeds going to various charities. Wilco posted two full concerts from their recent tour, asking that fans donate $15 to Oxfam or Doctors Without Borders in exchange for the privilege of downloading the bootlegs. Music For Relief posted a compilation of songs from various artists with similar donation guidelines. They use the honor system in the hopes that everyone who downloads will donate, but even the most ardent advocate for file sharing couldn’t live with themselves if they didn’t contribute something.
I donated to Haiti via all of these causes. Hell, the Music For Relief comp featured artists that I had to immediately delete from my itunes out of fear that their music would contaminate the rest of my collection (looking at you again, Enrique). I would argue that many of the contributors to these download for dollars causes are the audience the record labels lost years ago, people who see no reason to buy music anymore. So I suggest that all of the major labels, itunes, and any other major online music retailer should join forces and dedicate a week where they offer exclusive, quality music for download with all of the proceeds heading to Haiti. Every artist that wants to participate can do so on their own terms, thus avoiding having to see Lil Wayne and Tony Bennett share a recording studio. Artists should be encouraged to release something good- new songs, bootlegs like Wilco, a remix compilation. Whatever- just make it something that your fans will be compelled to buy. Make it a worthwhile deal, something like $.79 per song, and have itunes also create a marketplace for it with a button to click and download the whole virtual boxed set for $99. A monkey or your mother should be able to download the tracks without confusion. Put some promotion behind it and make it clear that these tracks will only be available for a limited time, which will compel people to act now. There will be no harm in utilizing the opportunity for bands to promote something they are proud of- drop your new single, post the best concert of your tour, release the original demos of your greatest hits, showcase the DJ who remixed your hit single- no one will judge you because it will be clear that we are all contributing to a greater cause here. After all, the music business might not be without electricity and sleeping in mud with no food, but it could use a little help too.
If you can stomach it, here’s “We Are The World 25 For Haiti”. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.
