You may have noticed, the Stupor Bowl went down yesterday. I heard it suggested that they move the game to Saturday, allowing America a day to recover before trudging back to work. My brain, liver and intestines would like to publicly endorse this idea. Wings n’ beer are not just for breakfast anymore, but that doesn’t mean you won’t regret overconsuming them the next day. I now realize the error of my ways yesterday and hope to make smarter, safer decisions in the future. Here are some other thoughts I had throughout the day.

- For me, the main theme going in to the game was that it defined you as a sports fan. Are you one who tends to root for the underdog? Then the Saints are your team. Do you prefer to see perfection, watch legends-in-the making, and get caught up in the hyperbole of sports history? Then you should root for Peyton Manning and the Colts.
- It’s always a dangerous practice for one player to be contemplated as the best ever going in to the championship game. We went through this in 2008 when the favored Lakers took on the Celtics and going into the series, every blowhard sports pontificator went on and on about whether Kobe Bryant was better than Michael Freaking Jordan. Is he at the table!? In the conversation?!! Who would YOU want with the ball and the game on the line!!?? Needless to say, the Lakers lost in 6. The funny thing is the athlete in question does nothing to fan these flames except be great. It’s not like Peyton Manning showed up at media day with a F%&@ UNITAS t-shirt on. Yet the pre-game coverage was 30% on Dwight Freeney’s ankle, 20% on Saints legend Archie Manning rooting for the Colts, and 50% on the greatness of Peyton Manning and the level at which he was performing. From now on, if your team’s best player is constantly being considered the best ever going into the big game, you should be very, very nervous.
- If you want me to purchase your product, you are best served having a humorous animal in your overpriced Super Bowl ad. Give me violin virtuoso beavers over Danica Patrick any day of the week.
- Speaking of which, hey Go Daddy- if I want to watch porn on the internet, I’ll watch porn on the internet. I’m not gonna go to your lame ass website to watch girls in tank tops. Trying to send dudes to the internet to watch your pretty-yet-clothed vixens is like sending a drug enthusiast to Amsterdam for a light beer.

Continue..

The next two weekends are mecca to NFL fans. Last weekend was the tune up, the fight before the fight, the preamble to the impending constitution, if you will. And forget the Stupor Bowl- a great sports day to be sure, but ultimately a 5 hour license to stuff your pie hole with as much guacamole, wings and beer to make the rest of the world forget all of the US’ humanitarian aid to Haiti and hate us all over again. This weekend brings us a nice double header with the top seeded teams coming off their lazy ass bye weeks. Next weekend we get the NFC and AFC championships, two teams vying for the right to compete in between eight minute commercial breaks so we can have Pepsi, Go Daddy and Doritos titillate us into consuming their products. Without further adieu, here’s Our Kitchen Sink’s guide to the NFL playoffs this weekend.

Game #1
Arizona at New Orleans
Saturday 1/16 4:30PM ET
Line: Saints - 7.0

Why To Watch: It’s possible we’ll see the score total exceed 100 points. There will probably be about as much defense played in this game as an NBA All-Star game. Last weekend I watched the Zona/GB game at the gym. Zona was up by 3 TDs and I went to do a set of 50 push ups. When I came back to the TV the game was tied. Literally.

Interesting Subplot: How can two powerhouse offenses put up so many points without significant contribution from their running backs Reggie Bush and Beenie Wells. These dudes were probably receiving special benefits from “sports marketers” years before they were going to the NFL and now they’re essentially the least effective third down decoys in the NFL.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I like Arizona plus the points in this game. Arizona has that scary quality of being able to keep up with a team like New Orleans, and Kurt Warner had more TDs last weekend (5) than incompletions (4). The Saints might win, but they won’t beat the beignets off the Cards.

mmm...beignets.

Game #2
Baltimore at Indianapolis
Saturday 1/16 8:15PM ET
Line: Colts - 7.0

Why To Watch: Opportunity to see the Manning Face. All credit to ESPN’s Bill Simmons, the Manning Face is described as “a known facial expression displaying a mix of frustration and disgust. It is most often displayed by NFL quarterbacks Peyton Manning and his younger brother, Eli.” The Colts decided to clumsily rest their players and let the Jets and Bills beat them at the end of the regular season instead of going for an undefeated season and NFL immortality. If the team starts out rusty and Ray Rice runs over them like George Jefferson’s giving Weezy a back massage, that decision could be the most foolish since NBC’s late night succession plan. And thus, the first 2010 sighting of the Manning Face.

Interesting Subplot: This is why you gotta love the NFL- teams from the 20th and 33rd biggest markets in the country can play on prime time TV and people outside of those cities not only legitimately care about it, they can actually develop a rooting interest.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I think that Indy is dying for the right to lose to the Chargers next weekend. Don’t take that away from them. I feel like this will be a game where we won’t know who is going to win at the end of the third quarter, but by the end of the game Manning and Co. will have pulled ahead enough to cover the spread.

To Manning Face, or not Manning Face- that is the question.

Game #3
Dallas at Minnesota
Sunday 1/17 1:00PM ET
Line: Minnesota - 2.5 or 3, depending on where you look.

Why To Watch: This could be Brett Farve’s last game before he enters his annual season of retirement and un-retirement. We get to watch alternating shots of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips in a remarkably expressionless state- Jerry because he brought his home botox kit to the stadium, Wade because he downed an 18″ meatball sub at halftime and is in an extreme food coma.

Interesting Subplot: As the regular season wound down, the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson was as ineffective as the government’s economic stimulus plan. If he can’t get it going, look for Brett the gunslinger to fire ill-advised passes all over the field and sabotage his team’s season faster than American Idol will disintegrate after Simon leaves. Replace “Adrian Peterson” with “Dallas’ three back attack” and “Brett” with “Romo” and you have the exact same scenario for the ‘Boys.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I wouldn’t bet my kid’s tuition on this game, but have a hunch the Cowboys somehow prevail. I keep flashing to that shot of Jerry Jones and George W Bush celebrating last weekend’s win in Jer’s luxury box like the asshole buddies they obviously are. It plays in my head on a loop with the two girls/one cup video.

Two Goons/One Suite

Game #4
NY Jets at San Diego
Sunday 1/17 4:40PM ET
Line: Chargers - 7.5

Why To Watch: About six weeks ago, while enjoying a Kogi short rib burrito at the Encino Car Wash, my best friend from high school Ari suggested that the San Diego Chargers would win the Super Bowl this year. I believe this was when the Colts and the Saints were still undefeated, and prior to every pigskin pundit declaring the Bolts as the hottest team in football. The mixture of unique flavors from my lunch combined with the pungent scent of turtle wax put me in a heightened state of euphoria. The Charger pick made perfect sense- they had been riding about a 7 or 8 game winning streak at that point, they’re clearly Peyton’s kryptonite, and at that point the team was just under the radar enough to get Ari and I 9 to 1 odds on them to win the Super Bowl. Now that the playoffs are in full swing, the Chargers odds are around 14 to 5. So that’s why I’ll be watching. Now is as good a time as any to point out that my gambling prowess or lack thereof is akin to Bill Macy in “The Cooler”. In fact, when I go to Vegas, I AM the Cooler.

Interesting Subplot: The NFL uses and discards their players when they are past their prime like no other professional sports league. Running backs in particular suffer the use ‘em and forget ‘em strategy the worst. Yet it’s interesting that the Chargers, with the worst rushing attack of any team in the playoffs, still respect and honor a clearly past his prime Ladanian Tomlinson by giving him so many goal line touches to get him TDs. So that’s an interesting subplot. That and the likelihood that Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan could get into a verbal sparring match with the Chargers QB Phil Rivers, or he could give birth to a monster burrito, or both.

Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I don’t care if the Chargers cover, but my kids’ college education depends on them at least winning.

Chargers go all the way and the Kogi's on me!