If you’re not keeping up with ESPN’s 30/30 series you’re probably watching the Kardashians….thus making you a powder puff and a sissy. Last night’s installment featured the unique bond forged between Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur leading up to Pac’s untimely demise after a title fight in Vegas. The latter featured people laughing and pointing at the youngest Kardashian’s rumpelstiltskin.
Part of the reason I never went into journalism is because you have to report the facts and maintain a very strict level of professionalism when it comes to interviewing subjects. Apparently George Wayne of Vanity Fair tossed out the rule book while interviewing ESPN’s Erin Andrews. Questions broached ranged from shopping for shoes in the tranny section to what she takes when feeling constipated. I shit you not. Double entendre! Read the interview HERE.
Our greatest fears may be realized. Erin Andrews is leaving ESPN, surely for a more exciting world of reality television, trips to Ellen and Oprah’s couch, all culminating in the cover of US Weekly with a picture of her newborn baby, Skyler and her plans for vaginal rejuvenation. Aside from being really hot, I think Erin Andrews is a pretty good sideline reporter who doesn’t do or say anything that ruins the game or makes me wish the network heads would banish her to a life of WNBA statistician. But who’s going to pick up the pieces? Who will deliver a must needed anecdote when the game is getting stale? Let’s investigate.
Anyone who watches ESPN (and can properly install a peephole camera) is aware of the gorgeous Erin Andrews. Some of the older gents out there surely salivate over the aging, yet delectable, Hannah Storm, and her bevy of hot and colorful dresses that she parades around in like it was the opening ceremonies at the Olympics. But the real hidden gem in Bristol is Michelle Beadle. She’s like a 100 m.p.h. throwing Cuban pitching prospect… except she’s blonde, white and has a set of hooters. But they’re basically the same thing.
If you haven’t been watching ESPN’s 30 for 30 series… well… you’re a dork. But around these parts we like to facilitate popping your cool guy collar, so enjoy the Ice Cube directed “Straight Outta LA” which explores the relationship between the LA Raiders and gang culture.
The next two weekends are mecca to NFL fans. Last weekend was the tune up, the fight before the fight, the preamble to the impending constitution, if you will. And forget the Stupor Bowl- a great sports day to be sure, but ultimately a 5 hour license to stuff your pie hole with as much guacamole, wings and beer to make the rest of the world forget all of the US’ humanitarian aid to Haiti and hate us all over again. This weekend brings us a nice double header with the top seeded teams coming off their lazy ass bye weeks. Next weekend we get the NFC and AFC championships, two teams vying for the right to compete in between eight minute commercial breaks so we can have Pepsi, Go Daddy and Doritos titillate us into consuming their products. Without further adieu, here’s Our Kitchen Sink’s guide to the NFL playoffs this weekend.
Game #1
Arizona at New Orleans
Saturday 1/16 4:30PM ET
Line: Saints - 7.0
Why To Watch: It’s possible we’ll see the score total exceed 100 points. There will probably be about as much defense played in this game as an NBA All-Star game. Last weekend I watched the Zona/GB game at the gym. Zona was up by 3 TDs and I went to do a set of 50 push ups. When I came back to the TV the game was tied. Literally.
Interesting Subplot: How can two powerhouse offenses put up so many points without significant contribution from their running backs Reggie Bush and Beenie Wells. These dudes were probably receiving special benefits from “sports marketers” years before they were going to the NFL and now they’re essentially the least effective third down decoys in the NFL.
Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I like Arizona plus the points in this game. Arizona has that scary quality of being able to keep up with a team like New Orleans, and Kurt Warner had more TDs last weekend (5) than incompletions (4). The Saints might win, but they won’t beat the beignets off the Cards.
mmm...beignets.
Game #2
Baltimore at Indianapolis
Saturday 1/16 8:15PM ET
Line: Colts - 7.0
Why To Watch: Opportunity to see the Manning Face. All credit to ESPN’s Bill Simmons, the Manning Face is described as “a known facial expression displaying a mix of frustration and disgust. It is most often displayed by NFL quarterbacks Peyton Manning and his younger brother, Eli.” The Colts decided to clumsily rest their players and let the Jets and Bills beat them at the end of the regular season instead of going for an undefeated season and NFL immortality. If the team starts out rusty and Ray Rice runs over them like George Jefferson’s giving Weezy a back massage, that decision could be the most foolish since NBC’s late night succession plan. And thus, the first 2010 sighting of the Manning Face.
Interesting Subplot: This is why you gotta love the NFL- teams from the 20th and 33rd biggest markets in the country can play on prime time TV and people outside of those cities not only legitimately care about it, they can actually develop a rooting interest.
Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I think that Indy is dying for the right to lose to the Chargers next weekend. Don’t take that away from them. I feel like this will be a game where we won’t know who is going to win at the end of the third quarter, but by the end of the game Manning and Co. will have pulled ahead enough to cover the spread.
To Manning Face, or not Manning Face- that is the question.
Game #3
Dallas at Minnesota
Sunday 1/17 1:00PM ET
Line: Minnesota - 2.5 or 3, depending on where you look.
Why To Watch: This could be Brett Farve’s last game before he enters his annual season of retirement and un-retirement. We get to watch alternating shots of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips in a remarkably expressionless state- Jerry because he brought his home botox kit to the stadium, Wade because he downed an 18″ meatball sub at halftime and is in an extreme food coma.
Interesting Subplot: As the regular season wound down, the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson was as ineffective as the government’s economic stimulus plan. If he can’t get it going, look for Brett the gunslinger to fire ill-advised passes all over the field and sabotage his team’s season faster than American Idol will disintegrate after Simon leaves. Replace “Adrian Peterson” with “Dallas’ three back attack” and “Brett” with “Romo” and you have the exact same scenario for the ‘Boys.
Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I wouldn’t bet my kid’s tuition on this game, but have a hunch the Cowboys somehow prevail. I keep flashing to that shot of Jerry Jones and George W Bush celebrating last weekend’s win in Jer’s luxury box like the asshole buddies they obviously are. It plays in my head on a loop with the two girls/one cup video.
Two Goons/One Suite
Game #4
NY Jets at San Diego
Sunday 1/17 4:40PM ET
Line: Chargers - 7.5
Why To Watch: About six weeks ago, while enjoying a Kogi short rib burrito at the Encino Car Wash, my best friend from high school Ari suggested that the San Diego Chargers would win the Super Bowl this year. I believe this was when the Colts and the Saints were still undefeated, and prior to every pigskin pundit declaring the Bolts as the hottest team in football. The mixture of unique flavors from my lunch combined with the pungent scent of turtle wax put me in a heightened state of euphoria. The Charger pick made perfect sense- they had been riding about a 7 or 8 game winning streak at that point, they’re clearly Peyton’s kryptonite, and at that point the team was just under the radar enough to get Ari and I 9 to 1 odds on them to win the Super Bowl. Now that the playoffs are in full swing, the Chargers odds are around 14 to 5. So that’s why I’ll be watching. Now is as good a time as any to point out that my gambling prowess or lack thereof is akin to Bill Macy in “The Cooler”. In fact, when I go to Vegas, I AM the Cooler.
Interesting Subplot: The NFL uses and discards their players when they are past their prime like no other professional sports league. Running backs in particular suffer the use ‘em and forget ‘em strategy the worst. Yet it’s interesting that the Chargers, with the worst rushing attack of any team in the playoffs, still respect and honor a clearly past his prime Ladanian Tomlinson by giving him so many goal line touches to get him TDs. So that’s an interesting subplot. That and the likelihood that Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan could get into a verbal sparring match with the Chargers QB Phil Rivers, or he could give birth to a monster burrito, or both.
Who Will Win, and More Importantly- Will They Beat The Spread?: I don’t care if the Chargers cover, but my kids’ college education depends on them at least winning.
Chargers go all the way and the Kogi's on me!
Give me the World Cup over the Olympics any day. It has the same worldly implications minus the cake ass opening ceremonies and stupid hats all of the athletes have to wear. Trust me, no one wants to see Rebecca Lobo in a red beret.
My predictions for the teams making it out of the group stage:
FRANCE
URUGUAY
GREECE
ARGENTINA
ENGLAND
US
ZE GERMANS LEBOWSKI
GHANA
NETHERLANDS
JAPAN
ITALY
SLOVAKIA
BRAZIL
IVORY COAST
SPAIN
HONDURAS
Hoops are back, and couldn’t come soon enough now that the Chicago Bears are playing more like the Chicago Bliss. It’s easy to come up with predictions that involve playoff teams, and comeback player of the year. Around these parts, we’re more interested in making predictions that force you to really go out on a limb. Consider this your Bible if you’re not a numbers guy.
FIRST MOHAWK
Steve: Ron Artest
Alec: DeShawn Stevenson
Reno: Amare Stoudemire
FIRST TWITTER FINE RECIPIENT
Steve: @Mark Cuban
Alec: Los Angeles Clippers @Spirit Dance Team
Reno: @the real shaq
As it happens, it looks like the job qualifications have changed in Bristol in the wake of all the tomfoolery, and the amount of people sticking their dicks in the mash potatoes. At least they’re straight to the point, and don’t make you promise to not laugh at Chris Berman when he’s in the buffet line.
You know where I stand on the whole Bill Simmons thing. He’s funny AND knowledgeable. And if he was somehow able to cut off Joe Morgan’s mustache, I’d probably support him in the next election. Here’s to Bill Simmons, don’t bang the intern.
Neck tattoos are to pro athletes what nape-of-the-back tattoos are to women. In other words, it’s a red flag. A big one. For an athlete, it seems to mean, “I am going to do some really strange things — you know, like putting a painful tattoo on my neck.” For a woman, it seems to mean either, “I’m easy” or “I needed to figure out a way to fit in with the other girls at the strip joint.” Either way, red flag.
Authors&Co.
Family
