Choosing the right Valentine’s gift is a slippery slope. It can make all the difference, transforming a kiss in the pants into a kick in the groin. Being too romantic can send both men and women running for the hills (no MTV) if the relationship is new enough. Similarly, being too coy and “jokey” can sabotage a meaningful relationship. But I think we can all agree that these are some things you don’t wanna receive on Valentine’s Day.

HERPES

You little love blister you. Giving your Honey Bunny the herp is like giving a man a novelty tie.  He’ll do anything in his power to bury it in a deep and dark place.  Giving a woman the herp is resigning said woman to the lowly rank of “I wouldn’t even let her give me a BJ” after you break up.

PATERNITY TEST

Not only are you getting the surprise of your life that you may be an expecting parent, but also that your Honey Bunny has  been allowing a ton of Al’s down her rabbit hole.  The only thing worse is if she scheduled a trip to see Maury over spring break.

POPCORN MEDLEY

This may strictly be a Christmas thing, but getting that sad red tub is earth shattering.  Not only is it a fuckin’ tub of popcorn, but that person doesn’t even know you well enough to pick one flavor and go for it.  How do you think a Popcorn Honey Bunny is gonna feel that you allowed valuable real estate to be poached by the caramel corn when she’s clearly a Butter Popcorn Honey Bunny?  Not happy.  Not happy, indeed.

COUPON TO THE SYBARIS

Nothing says “I love you” like trying to convince your Honey Bunny to get busy in a slightly heated vat of pleasure goo.

FLOWERS

If your Male Honey Bunny gets you flowers for Valentine’s Day, he cheated on you.  If it’s a single flower, he really is sorry.  If it’s a dozen roses, there was furry costumed role play involved, and he’s a subservient Chipmunk bottom.

GOLF CLUBS

If your Female Honey Bunny gets you golf clubs, she plans on cheating on you while you’re hitting the links… with your brother.  She may also bludgeon you after she gets the flowers.