Safe sex may be what’s socially responsible, but that doesn’t get around the fact that treating your gee williker like a prisoner at Abu Ghraib is plain ol’ cruel.  If you really do have to wrap it up… here’s what I suggest.  And even a few that are weird, even for my taste.

TUXEDO CONDOM

Nothing says, “I don’t have the clap” like the tuxedo condom. If this came with a monocle I would definitely pretend I was the Monopoly guy while I did the Lord’s work.

CONDOMETRIC

This one’s a slippery slope.  The proofs in the pudding, and your lady friend is going to see if you’re pleasuring her with a baby Gerkin or a Johnsonville Bratwurst.

RAPEX

Sonette Ehlers, of South Africa (the rape capital of the world), has invented an anti-rape device that goes by the name, Rapex. The device is basically a female condom with teeth lining the inside that work just like the protective spikes in a parking garage… You can go in, but whatever you do, don’t back out. The teeth are angled so they allow penetration, but bite like a shark as the penis is removed; supposedly causing so much pain that it will give the woman a chance to escape. Further, according to Ms. Ehlers, the device will need to be surgically removed at a hospital, which will lead to the capture of the rapist.

WHISKEY CONDOM

Now there’s finally a tangible excuse when you say you’ve got “whiskey dick” and can’t get it up.  Hopefully there’s a Guinness one too, so I can walk around yelling “brilliant” after it’s over.

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