A lot of people seem to get hot and bothered when it comes to Chelsea Handler. Apparently some men find it attractive when a woman has both beauty and brains.  When did Playboy start letting these women get away with grabbing the cover without showing any skin?  Back in my day, you had to spread eagle to take off.

I’ve thought about  it.  You’ve thought about it.  What happens to the gear that says INSERT TEAM NAME Champions 2010 even though that isn’t the case?  In the case of this years World Series, merchandise has been fashioned that proclaims that both the Yankees and the Phillies are World Series champs.  Obviously this can’t occur, as we red meat eating Americans don’t believe in the art of the tie like our European counterparts.  So what happens to all that swag?

The merchandise doesn’t go to waste, people living in poverty receive new, clean clothes, and the clothing makers recoup some of their losses—they get tax credits for the charitable donations. Why don’t the clothes go to needy families in the United States? Overseas donation is part of the agreement between World Vision and the leagues. The farther away the clothing is, the less likely it is to offend a losing player.

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So Halloween is upon us, and it’s probably my least favorite day of the year, aside from the 15th of every month when I have to pay alimony to that crackhead I wifed up in Las Vegas.  Undoubtedly the most popular Halloween costume this year for the fairer sex is going to be Lady Gaga.  I understand it may be cost effective, being that the only requisite is a blonde wig, some bubble wrap, and an enormous labia majora.  But still, it’s about as creative as these guys.  And when you find yourself as “the Ugliest Gaga,” I’ll be right there saying, “*I told you so.”

*Not really, as I think someone just spiked my Pixie Stick.

Jonathan Parker, a PA resident, decided to rob a house outside of Martinsburg in Berkeley County, WV. Alright, sounds pretty good to me. But then this jackass decided to check his Facebook during the robbery, forgetting to logout after he made off with two diamond rings.

*Editors Note: I couldn’t find a reliable source to back this claim up, but we’ve never been into fact checking around here unless it has to do with the durability of pasties, or if Asian women really do have sideways vaginas.

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So the censors tell me that I’m not allowed to show nipples around these parts, unless it’s an exposé into how OctoMom breast feeds.  So enjoy Heidi Klum in the buff, with help from Pat Sajak, Barney Fife, and Lou Ferrigno.

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I always suspected Piglet of being a biological terrorist.  As it turns out, he was just a sleeper cell for one of the worst flu outbreaks in recent memory.  Just look at that dumb expression plastered on his face.  He’s been playing us for years.  Word on the street is that eeyore has been rushed to the eeyarr.  Zing!

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A lazy postman took so long to deliver letters to a village some of the residents had died by the time they arrived. People in Rzedziny in northeast Poland, couldn’t understand why their letters failed to turn up at their destination. When local resident Stanislaw Shchusev, 80, investigated further he was shocked to discover that the village postbox hadn’t been emptied for five years.

Pulling a Newman is sort of like pulling a Dunkleman.

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Bill Simmons, aka the Sports Guys, aka Alec’s schoolgirl crush, was on The Colbert Report last night talking about his new 700 page tome, The Book of Basketball. Watch as Bill waxes poetic on why he thinks Wilt Chamberlain was gay and why baseball is for people over 50. For a guy dogging on baseball, he sure spends enough time talking about it on his podcast.

The highlight is definitely his comparison of Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf. I hate to admit how much I loved it because I think it demeans the Wolf.

Alas, the best the Chicago Cubs can do is have Jimmy Buffet perform at a meaningless June-swoon game. How I wish my city could hoist another championship. But hey, the Bulls are on pace to go 82-0. I smell another victory parade at Grant Park.

*Lil’ Mama tried to run on the field, but Joba Chamberlain took care of her with a swift 1-2 combo.

Police in Langley, British Columbia are investigating after a woman kicked a man in the groin so hard he lost a testicle — the latest in a series of similar assaults.

You’ve gotta be one cold-hearted bitch to become a serial nut kicker.  You never saw Lorena Bobbitt become a serial dick chopper.  She saw the error of her ways.  No need to become a repeat offender when it comes to the family jewels.

“I just want to know what her problem is,” victim Anthony Clark, 22, said this week. “People like her shouldn’t be on the streets.”

Mr. Clark was walking in the Brookswood area of Langley in early September when he passed his assailant on the sidewalk.  “I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me,” he said.

That’s when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

The suspect is described as a Caucasian woman, in her late teens or early 20s. She was between five-foot-five and five-foot-seven and 130 pounds with a slim build and brown hair.

Here’s a composite:

Oops. That’s another person we’re actively tracking.

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