There’s only one “His Airness.” There’s only one person who took the average number 23 and put it on the map right along side the superstar number 69. But watching King James in these playoffs has humbled me. Yes, I have witnessed. You can’t stop the guy…. or can you?  By applying certain techniques, from a certain movie, with a certain actor, who wears a certain headband, I’ve devised a plan… and I’m giving it away for free.  Bow to your sensei!

Wax On Wax Off

Find King James car.  It’s the big black one with the fancy wheels and Ohio plates that read “I H8 KOBE.” Pop the hood and begin indiscriminately pulling wires.  Red ones.  Blue ones.  Yellow ones.  If he can’t get to the arena, he can’t score 40.  If that doesn’t work, pull a Beverly Hills Cop and stick a banana in the tail pipe.

Paint the Fence

Pose as a senior member for Habitat for Humanity.  Get a name badge that reads Patrick Bateman.  Invite King James out to help, because Trick Daddy isn’t the only one who loves the kids.  Being that he’s a nice guy, there’s no way that he declines.  Avoid having Commisioner Stern showing up by giving Ron Artest a large coffee, a bag of Colombia’s finest, and telling him to go play at the Palace.  When LeBron gets there, you literally make him paint the fence (s) until he can’t lift his arms.  No arms…. no windmill dunks.

Sweep the Leg

Gone are the days where you could just hire Jeff Galuli to handle your dirty work.  Now you have to have a little more discretion than to pick up a lead pipe and treat someone’s leg like a batting cage fastball.  This is where you hire Cobra Kai to use their ninja prowess to go at LeBron’s leg.  All’s fair in love and leg kicks.  It’s better to sweep the leg, than to get swept out of the Eastern Conference Championship.

* No LeBron James were harmed in the making of this post