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Forehead Titties

Why am I not supposed to look at a woman’s cleavage? It’s right there in front of my face, and there’s no cotton or polyester covering that magical and mystic cave dwelling. If it were that private of an area, I’d assume a lady would cover it up. But instead they treat it like a spoiled child treats a treasured toy. “You can look at it, but you can’t hold it.” Everyone hates that kid. Don’t be that kid, ladies.

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Close but No Cigar

Click some of these links. I’m off to drink beer and watch basketball. Seacrest out.

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Florida vampire to run for President
James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio wrote the theme song to Thundercats
Famous American brands no longer made in the U.S.A.
The 10 greatest anti-heroes
Leprechaun banks robbers die in Tennessee shootout
The Oscar love curse
Manly slang from the 19th century
David after the Dentist video has earned family six figures
Tiger Woods is the Hannibal Lecter of Sexting
The world’s first legally genderless person

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Sandra Bullock and the Painted Lady Part II

The plot thickens. Not only was Jesse James sticking his dipstick in Michelle McGee’s tailpipe (you see what I did there… wink wink vroom vroom), but it turns out that she’s also a Nazi.  TMZ got a hold of some snapshots that show McGee donning a swastika and an SS hat, and seemingly performing fellatio on a dagger.  As we speak, I’m getting the Bear Jew on the horn to carry out a covert Basterds mission.

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Proof that You’re Getting Old: Winnie Cooper is Preggers

Sure, she’s 35-years-old. But finding out that Danica McKellar, better known as Winnie Cooper, is pregnant makes me feel like I’m officially not a child anymore.  Like I need to be worried about adult issues, like health care reform so I can get a cootie shot booster.

If you were a kid growing up in the 80’s, Winnie Cooper was the girl you wished lived down the block from you, instead of that old guy who liked to air dry in his front yard.  Here’s hoping that in a Peter Pan world, Topanga is still without child.

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Another Designer who deserves to get Face Punched

I’m all for creative expression in whichever medium floats your proverbial boat, but it seems like shocking fashion is becoming the norm. Take Elena Burenina’s collection that she just showed at Kiev Fashion Week.  I have two explanations for how someone could come up with something so stupid.

1. This is how a toddler would describe walking in on his parents having sex.  “Mommy was there.  Daddy was under the covers.  His legs were poking out.  There was a blankey.  Mommy was putting her head between Daddy’s legs”

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2. This is what the delivery room looked like when Octomom was giving birth.  Limbs protruding out of her vagina like it was a mighty oak tree trying to lay down roots.

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Sandra Bullock and the Painted Lady

Poor Sandra Bullock. Even her undeserved Oscar win isn’t going to soften this shocking revelation. It seems that her husband, Jesse James, was cheating on her with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee while Bullock was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side.  Normally I’m all about the painted ladies, but this broad looks like having sex with her would be like sticking your pecker in the corroded hole on a bad graffiti wall.

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Trailer: Four Lions

I posted a little teaser trailer about Four Lions a couple months back, but now here’s the full trailer. The concept for this movie is probably the most unique and taboo subject you can touch right now. Billed as a terrorist farce, it follows a group of suicide bombers who look like they belong in Police Academy instead of Al Qaeda.

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March Madness or How I Learned to Stop Working and love the New Tab

Day one of the NCAA tournament may be the greatest sporting day of the year.  But unlike the Super Bowl which is nestled on a cozy Sunday in between a breakfast beer and an afternoon of chicken wings, March Madness always starts on a Thursday.  And if you’re like most sports loving saps, you’re probably stuck at the office finger fucking the hell out of a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet.  Here are a few tips for watching the tournament while at work.

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The Axis of Adorable

Danish artist Nina Maria Kleivan seeks to explore the meaning of evil by photographing her baby dressed as evil men from recent history.  This includes Hitler, Idi Amin, Augusto Pinochet, Sadam Hussein, Stalin, Mao and Mussolini.  I’d assume that if she was American she would have included The Green Bay Packers, Donald Sterling and the makers of the Snuggie.

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Between Two Ferns w/ Zach Galifianakis & Ben Stiller

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis is arguably is the funniest thing on the internet. But the real test of time comes when he invites Ben Stiller on his program. Why? Because Ben Stiller makes me laugh slightly less than watching someone suffer from terminal cancer.